In a world where I struggle to verbalise my thoughts, I have found solace in writing the words, that so often got caught in my mouth, on this blog. But there is a topic I have always been uncomfortable discussing, a topic I actively ignored for fear that no one else would quite understand. Some … Continue reading Side Effects and DrugStars
When I began this blog, I felt a sense of urgency in my writing. I would often find myself frantic, typing pain onto a page. I would write to conceal the truth, I would write to try and forget. But now it has been 6 months since my operation and I am fully recovered. What’s … Continue reading Acceptance
Eyes stare into darkness Ensnared by thoughts of yesterday, And as you search for a tomorrow, A light seeps through cracks You never saw before And your arms begin to stretch. And your fingers seem to reach. And when you pluck the light before you And look upon your hands, You see, … Continue reading A farewell blog for 2017
How often do we tell ourselves we shall change? For me, it is almost every day. Before my operation, I had convinced myself I would come out of it a ‘changed person’. And we all know what this means; we want to change how we perceive not only the world but ourselves. We all want … Continue reading Dealing with self-doubt
I cried for the first time in nearly a year today. I cried to heal, to release a fear I have trapped within for perhaps my whole life. We all have one, a fear that we push to the back of our minds. We trap it deep within, for the knowledge that it could tear … Continue reading My Fear of Failure
Soapy water trickles past her legs. She watches as it disappears through the plug hole. Feeling her weight being pulled towards the bottom of the bath, she rests her elbows on the sides, clasping her face in wrinkled hands. Through the cracks of her fingers, she watches as her pale flesh appears from the water. … Continue reading Weight gain and chronic pain, let’s talk about it.
An old man sat by me on a plane once. At first, we did not speak. He chatted pleasantly with my mother but remained oblivious to my presence. For the most part, I was content with my new found invisibility. Finally, my mother mentioned my illness. The old man’s eyes lit up as he stared … Continue reading Telling people you are ill
After my blog (I am going insane - the frustrations of recovery), I had someone ask me if I was ‘okay’. Of course, we all know what that means. Are you okay ‘mentally’ is what they are asking; (the word 'mentally' said in hushed tones and through gritted teeth, for fear of the neighbours overhearing). … Continue reading ‘Are you okay?’ Does chronic illness affect my mental health?
As I wake, I am greeted with the face of a stranger. He prods and pokes at my arm, examining tubes attached to my body that I did not notice before. They run to loud, beeping machines. I feel my mouth move into an inexplicable smile, my eyes barely able to open. Everything is white, … Continue reading The journey of my hip (with visuals)
The air seems thicker today. I cannot seem to breathe it in. My skin feels tighter, as though one move could pierce the flesh. I no longer know how to feel comfortable. I am a caged animal, unable to escape. The people come to observe me. They stare at my scars, at my wounds in … Continue reading I am going insane – the frustrations of recovery