I cried for the first time in nearly a year today. I cried to heal, to release a fear I have trapped within for perhaps my whole life. We all have one, a fear that we push to the back of our minds. We trap it deep within, for the knowledge that it could tear … Continue reading My Fear of Failure
Soapy water trickles past her legs. She watches as it disappears through the plug hole. Feeling her weight being pulled towards the bottom of the bath, she rests her elbows on the sides, clasping her face in wrinkled hands. Through the cracks of her fingers, she watches as her pale flesh appears from the water. … Continue reading Weight gain and chronic pain, let’s talk about it.
An old man sat by me on a plane once. At first, we did not speak. He chatted pleasantly with my mother but remained oblivious to my presence. For the most part, I was content with my new found invisibility. Finally, my mother mentioned my illness. The old man’s eyes lit up as he stared … Continue reading Telling people you are ill
After my blog (I am going insane - the frustrations of recovery), I had someone ask me if I was ‘okay’. Of course, we all know what that means. Are you okay ‘mentally’ is what they are asking; (the word 'mentally' said in hushed tones and through gritted teeth, for fear of the neighbours overhearing). … Continue reading ‘Are you okay?’ Does chronic illness affect my mental health?
As I wake, I am greeted with the face of a stranger. He prods and pokes at my arm, examining tubes attached to my body that I did not notice before. They run to loud, beeping machines. I feel my mouth move into an inexplicable smile, my eyes barely able to open. Everything is white, … Continue reading The journey of my hip (with visuals)
The air seems thicker today. I cannot seem to breathe it in. My skin feels tighter, as though one move could pierce the flesh. I no longer know how to feel comfortable. I am a caged animal, unable to escape. The people come to observe me. They stare at my scars, at my wounds in … Continue reading I am going insane – the frustrations of recovery
‘I do not want to cry’, I think. I do not want to cry, so I smile instead. I wave to my parents, my mother’s eyes filling; her hands unable to move as they seem clasped in prayer. My father smiles back at me, his eyes draped in fatigue and concern, but his hands remain … Continue reading Catherine 2.0 – A blog from a bionic woman (ft. Codeine)
I am nearing a very important operation. I am nervous and excited, but before the process of a hip operation began, before I found out it was the only solution, I mainly felt lost. I was trapped in a pain I could not comprehend, a pain that had burdened my entire life. It was slowly … Continue reading Thank you
There is a voice inside I can no longer ignore. It whispers into my ear at night, keeping me awake. The voice is soft, the sound brushing across my neck and creeping into my ear, curling around darkened thoughts and tightening until they can no longer breathe. I do not recognise the words. They bleed … Continue reading Calm before the storm
I am afraid of spiders. I am afraid of sharks with razor blade teeth and vomit with a foul stench, I am afraid of loud noises that make my heart race and make my body jump, I am afraid of small talk. I am afraid of superstitions that make me question my sanity, and the … Continue reading Are you afraid?